have your cake and eat it
by, 05-14-2016 at 07:58 AM (658 Views)
It is a well documented fact that while The Queen has two birthdays a year and dogs have 7 birthdays a year (or however that works), I don’t have any birthdays at all. I gave them up in a bid to remain forever young and free of birthday remorse (a bit like buyer’s remorse but with more wrinkles) but I see it happen to others. To be honest I am just repulsed by the atrocity that is ‘the birthday cake’. There’s an old joke which theorises that birthday cake causes wrinkles; the more birthday cakes you eat, the older you become. You may laugh, but it’s solid logic and something the face cream purveyors would like to keep out of the public consciousness. An aversion to the aging process is not my only reason for bearing more than a disliking for the edible candle-topped treat, the reasons are many.
Most cakes are simply delicious, that is, they are simple and they are delicious. When I make a cake at home (HAHAHA oh god, I almost choked on my own kidneys from laughing then) when I buy a cake from the shop, I select one that has clearly been crafted to contain at least 80% cake, with a 20% allowance for filling, frosting, icing, kittens, whatever. This is the ideal ratio for a cake of such deliciousness that I want to buy it dinner and take it to the cinema to try getting its crumbs on my crotch in the back row. The birthday cake flouts this basic cakey ratio and instead, goes for outright style over substance abuse. The average birthday cake now bears little resemblance to a real cake. It is a grotesque beast of moist fondant sugar, containing more artificial colouring and sparkles than a chorus line, with a tiny dried out heart of crumbs. Statuesque it may be, cake it is not. Then there are the candles. I have nothing so much against candles, after all, every girl knows that candlelight is the most flattering glow there is, other than the post-coital variety. No, what it is about the blazing cake toppers is the method with which they are extinguished. Every time you blow from your mouth, lots of particles of spit and whatever else you keep in there (lunch, fag butts, loose change) comes spraying out to encase everything that lies in its path, in this case, the tasty treat you’re about to invite your nearest and dearest to share with you. Even porn films display a greater respect for hygiene and bodily fluids than the average birthday cake receives.
I think I’ll stick to the safe and healthy option and celebrate people’s birthdays by drinking my way through them .............far from mists of spittle.